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08 March 2013 @ 12:20 am
go ahead be gone with it  
So last night was intense. I cried for four hours straight and I really wanted to end it. I was done.
I went to the psychologist yesterday evening and we found out what I suffer from: emetophobia. We now need to find what causes it. I felt very lonely because my mum was busy on the phone with my stepdad with whom she spent the day, and I don't want to bother my sister who has her own problems. And I know I'm not supportive and I hate myself for that and I'm so sorry. And I felt like the worst person. And that no one believes in me or really loves me. I still do. But I just don't want to end my life for others anymore.

My psychologist said I wasn't made for computer science. I could just not listen, but it really made me think of what else to do and I think that if I really wanted to do it I wouldn't even consider what he said. The school I might attend next year has a price and I don't want to mess up. Watching Katy Perry's movie, I realised I really want to do something big and great. I have always wanted to have an impact on people in some way. I don't have any talent or passion, but I just want to change something. A normal career and normal studies won't lead me to it. If I had the money right now, I'd book a flight and move to Los Angeles. I wish I was kidding. I wish I could know the main moments of my life and know that I'm going to do something crazy like moving to LA and actually achieving something. I want to make decisions that feel right deep down no matter what anyone says.

Also, while watching Katy Perry's movie, I saw her mum during a show looking at her with so much joy and pride and I started crying right away. I think my main issue is my parents are completely disappointed in me.

I also watched a few Victoria's Secret Fashion Shows and I must admit I'm really envious of these pretty bodies. They are so damn tall! I'm so small but I'd like to try and look as gorgeous as them. I tried to explain to my mum in vain that I don't feel womanly at all, I feel like a fourteen year old. I don't feel like people see me as a confident, pretty, attractive, busy woman, and I really want to look like that one day. I'm not even 18 yet, but I woner why some girls my age already look so grown up and I'm afraid I'll never look this way. So I'm going to try and eat healthier and do some workout exercises. 
 
 
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Justin Timberlake - SexyBack | Powered by Last.fm
 
 
 
rukyoshu: Thoughtfulrukyoshu on May 13th, 2013 08:08 pm (UTC)
Je ne sais pas comment j'en suis venue à revenir ici. Ni même comment mon anglais pitoyable a pu comprendre ce que j'ai lu.
Je ne devrais peut-être pas être ici. Je ne devrais peut-être pas avoir lu. Enfin, ce n'est pas si important, n'est-ce pas ?
Tu sais, je vais avoir 26 ans et pourtant... Je me retrouve dans tes mots. Sauf que je le pense en français et que les études sont censées être derrière moi. Et que ce n'est pas LA qui m'attire. Mais ce n'est pas le sujet. On ne se connaît pas si bien, voire même très peu au final, mais il y a une chose que je sais et que j'ai toujours su. Je crois en toi. C'est bizarre, non ? Je n'en ai jamais douté. Quand je t'ai vue, les quelques fois où on s'est croisé, je me suis dit à chaque fois que, malgré ce que cachent tes sourires, tu pouvais faire ce que tu voulais. Tu sais ce que tu veux. Il te reste à reconnaître ce que tu vaux. Tu peux faire de grandes choses. Et, même si ça ne touche pas le monde entier, ça m'aura touchée moi.
Tsch, je ne suis pas sûre de vraiment dire ce qu'il faut. Ni d'avoir le droit de dire ce que je dis. Peu importe.
Je crois en toi. En ta beauté. En ta force.
Alors fais ce que tu veux de ta vie. Parce que c'est la tienne et pas celle des autres.
Et désolée si je suis à côté de la plaque, finalement.
Des bisous <3
Anna: shokotangimmical_impact on November 14th, 2013 01:06 pm (UTC)
Je me connecte sur ce compte par hasard pour taper dans une communauté fermée, et je relis mes posts du début d'année que j'ai complètement oublié, et je me dis... Merde, il y a des commentaires et tout. Ce post remonte à mars, pourtant ton commentaire me touche autant qu'il l'aurait fait il y a 8 mois, parce que la situation ne s'est pas forcément améliorée mais j'ai démêlé pas mal de noeuds dans ma tête et c'est déjà ça.
Je sais pas quoi dire à part que j'aurais aimé voir ça plus tôt! Et puis aussi que ça me touche énormément, et c'est pas tombé dans l'oreille d'une sourde. ♥♥♥♥
peter cottontail: pic#121065195cythreuliaid on June 6th, 2013 10:49 pm (UTC)
My dear. (I don't know if you remember me: I was onewconditions once! and before that, shikisaino_hana...)

I understand how you're feeling. It's hard to feel as if you can't progress in the world because of circumstances beyond your control. All I can say is that I hope you find what you desire soon <3
Anna: yuinyangimmical_impact on November 14th, 2013 01:12 pm (UTC)
I have the biggest holes in my memory for some very, very weirdass reasons, but I do remember you. A little, but I do. I'm high fiving myself for that, because I can't even remember the entire year of 2010 so it's a bit of a miracle really.... (I feel bad. But I really remember you.)

Sorry for not replying earlier. I deleted the LJ app from my phone so I kinda forgot about it (again). Things have been a little bit better, still complicated and hard but I managed to detangle my thoughts and feelings and all the problems and stuff... I'm pretty sure it's all gonna be good by the time I hit 20. A year and a half is soon enough, right?!

Thanks for your sweet words, they go straight to my heart. ♥♥