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30 November 2013 @ 09:59 pm

Yesterday's appointment was good. Packed with information. I haven't written it down in my journal yet but I'm afraid I'll forget some details by tomorrow so I'll throw the main ideas here.

My dream about Flo and I being left in my room during a zombie apocalyspe and escaping and shit and basically all of my dreams involving zombies = death and the end of something and leaving.
I feel like I don't give my best effort to leave because I'd feel so guilty. I feel like being born in this dead-end place, I must not get out because that's how it works. Also my mother always chose the lame stuff in her life instead of dreaming a little bigger and I think that's how I should live my life too. This way I feel like she makes me stay despite her saying she wants me to do what I want. She actually doesn't.
My mother only had children to feel useful and she's always said so. Consequently I thought my only purpose was to make her feel useful, and now that she says we're old enough to not need her I feel useless and confused. I don't know what's my purpose.
I can't associate the name my parents gave me to myself. I don't hate it but I don't like it either. It's just not me. It doesn't even sound like a name to me, it's just a blurb, a sound people make when they want to get my attention. My first and middle names are both linked to my father, too.
I need to realise I'm a person, not a tool my mother doesn't need anymore. I'm someone, I have my own thoughts and needs and desires and I can actually lead a life of my own without seeking her approval. Just writing this down I feel so free and my stomach stops hurting.

I feel so not free. I'm struggling beneath all these responsibilities, all these things that make society so organised. You're expected to be able to give a fuckload of papers that will explain your current situation but actually none of these papers really tell who you are. It's all so complicated. You can't just be.

The other day I saw two old women at the bus stop. One was taking the bus and the other was just waiting for the first one to leave. They were waving to each other and I looked at the woman on the street. She had a beautiful profile. She must have been a beautiful young lady. She had grey hair, and the one on the bus had white hair. For a split second I realised how fast life goes and how we all slowly age until we die and it's all so slow but it happens so fast, and we all find it so fast because we actually don't take opportunities and make the most of each moment, and I was so scared, and then the thoughts went away as suddenly as they came. And then I realised it's going to be a year since my emetophobia started next month and I thought to myself, "A year closer to grey hair and what have you achieved". The answer is: nothing.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Alt-J ー Breezeblocks
25 November 2013 @ 10:42 pm

What a terrible end to a fantastic weekend.

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Current Location: At my sister's
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: Sky Ferreira ー Everything is Embarrassing (feat. Blood Orange)
18 November 2013 @ 10:33 pm

I have no idea how I managed to go through eleven months of this hell.

Everyday there is at least one moment of discomfort, hot shivers and nausea stronger than the usual, and I struggle to fight back until, without noticing, it's gone. I'm so sick and tired of being this way, and I don't want this, and I hate that my own mother thinks I want to be this way. How could I want to feel sick all the time, to stop myself from doing what I want, to hide in my bedroom unable to even go to the post office? Going to bed is a struggle. Waking up is a struggle. Eating is a struggle. Going out is a struggle. Hanging out with people, sleepovers, concerts, shopping important meetings and appointments, it's all a struggle. How can you call yourself a mother and say I made myself sick because I wanted to?

I am wasting the best years of my life and just writing this makes me feel worse. The worst thing about that is that I know it, but it wasn't enough to make me tick and go back to normal. I know most people must think, "if you want it you can do it", but it's not that easy. Of course I want to feel better, I want to be normal and live my life. But if I truly had control I would never have started feeling this way.

I still struggle to imagine life without anxiety, emetophobia and anorexia. My three best friends. But I want to see this end. I want it to stop. It needs to stop. It's been a year too many. From day one it had been a day too many anyway.

14 November 2013 @ 03:54 pm
maybe someday i'll manage to stick to my promises?!? damn, girl. damn.

let's catch up and sum up what happened since march.
i left university shortly after the 'exam incident' i talked about on march 1st. i stayed in lille until june, when i moved back at my mother's. i decided to try my luck and send applications to photography courses in the uk, but in just one phone call my father crashed my dreams and i kinda lef the project behind, but i'm willing to put it back on track sometime soon.
i went back to see my therapist, who diagnosed me with anorexia. i lost 20+ pounds in 2 months but i'm slowly eating normally again. i'm still petrified whenever someone coughs, or when i have a stomach ache, or anything sickness related, but i manage. i feel positive about the future and less desperate than i did even a few weeks ago. we are quickly getting to the core of the problem and i can't wait to start destroying it with a good ol' happy hammer.

yesterday i discovered that i was a gifted adult, too. not all gifted children become gifted adults, but i did. i always thought my IQ was somewhere around 135, but apparently it's muuuch higher than that. like, MUCH higher. i'd like to take a test.

also. korean music. massive sigh. it's too good, man. 
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: SNSD - Hoot
08 March 2013 @ 12:20 am
So last night was intense. I cried for four hours straight and I really wanted to end it. I was done.
I went to the psychologist yesterday evening and we found out what I suffer from: emetophobia. We now need to find what causes it. I felt very lonely because my mum was busy on the phone with my stepdad with whom she spent the day, and I don't want to bother my sister who has her own problems. And I know I'm not supportive and I hate myself for that and I'm so sorry. And I felt like the worst person. And that no one believes in me or really loves me. I still do. But I just don't want to end my life for others anymore.

My psychologist said I wasn't made for computer science. I could just not listen, but it really made me think of what else to do and I think that if I really wanted to do it I wouldn't even consider what he said. The school I might attend next year has a price and I don't want to mess up. Watching Katy Perry's movie, I realised I really want to do something big and great. I have always wanted to have an impact on people in some way. I don't have any talent or passion, but I just want to change something. A normal career and normal studies won't lead me to it. If I had the money right now, I'd book a flight and move to Los Angeles. I wish I was kidding. I wish I could know the main moments of my life and know that I'm going to do something crazy like moving to LA and actually achieving something. I want to make decisions that feel right deep down no matter what anyone says.

Also, while watching Katy Perry's movie, I saw her mum during a show looking at her with so much joy and pride and I started crying right away. I think my main issue is my parents are completely disappointed in me.

I also watched a few Victoria's Secret Fashion Shows and I must admit I'm really envious of these pretty bodies. They are so damn tall! I'm so small but I'd like to try and look as gorgeous as them. I tried to explain to my mum in vain that I don't feel womanly at all, I feel like a fourteen year old. I don't feel like people see me as a confident, pretty, attractive, busy woman, and I really want to look like that one day. I'm not even 18 yet, but I woner why some girls my age already look so grown up and I'm afraid I'll never look this way. So I'm going to try and eat healthier and do some workout exercises. 
Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Justin Timberlake - SexyBack | Powered by Last.fm
05 March 2013 @ 01:52 am

I just spent the last hour in agony. I had the worst stomach ache I've ever experienced (and I have a painful shark week so it means a lot). I just want to be done with all this, it's getting way too hard to deal with. I can't even remember how it feels like to have a normal day in a normal life. I just want to stop worrying about food and people and uni, I want to stop being so terrified of being sick. I swear I won't last much longer. I seriously hope I'm not hopeless and my therapist will be able to help.

Fucking hell.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Mood: devastated
01 March 2013 @ 06:37 pm

Sooo. I had an hour sleep last night. Let's just say if exhaustion had a human form, it would be me.
I had an exam at 8.30 so I obviously went. I finally got to catch up with my friend Robin so I was glad. He worries about my eating habits and I love him for that. He's always been like a brother to me. We have the best of fun too.
Point is, I don't go to uni right. And when we leave the exam room we have to sign a list with our name on it. Well today the professor decided to make everyone sign in front of her. She obviously didn't know me so she was like wtf. I told her I had health problems so I couldn't go to uni (quite true) and she asked me to send her a fucking email about that. Gurl are you real? It's none of your business. Way to make an impression on a first encounter. So I got freaking anxious about her saying stuff to people and making me lose my scholarship. I got some proper stomach ache and even receiving my PSP didn't help.

Oh yeah I got a PSP! It's the 1000, it's pink and I love it. I downloaded Pop'n music Portable and I'm gonna crack it tonight at mum's. Like a prooo! My PS2 and Nintendo DS are cracked as well. I love that I have a silver Gameboy Pocket, a white iPhone, a blue Nintendo DS, a black PS2 and a pink PSP. So colourful!

Also, since I've been feeling horrible lately I caughtup on Tamako Market and Amnesia. While Tamako Market is just getting better, Amnesia really starts to get on my nerves. OKAY WE GOT IT THE POOR GIRL IS LIVING THE SAME TWO WEEKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN GIVE US ANSWERS
Also I'm not too keen on Clannad. I'm gonna keep watching for the sake of culture but how did they get to make so many episodes and seasons? Boriiiing. I might as well rererererewatch Panty & Stocking with Garterbelt. The OST makes me want to find Taku Takahashi and hold him forever while whispering "Thank you" over and over again.

I got to spend yesterday afternoon with Florian. I'm so glad we caught up! I love this lad. We talked about Lorna and I don't really know what's up with my feelings with her. I think I'll always love her in some way. Also, I might move in his girlfriend's (our friend Myriam) flat next fall. I ADORE her place so I wouldn't say no to such opportunity because the dorms in the heart of the city are in terrible places with lots of drug dealers and stuff. So nothxbai.

I think that's it. Already quite a mouthful, eh! I didn't want to post when I was feeling really depressed because I don't want this place to be as depressing as it used to be when I first opened it.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

Current Location: on the train
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Taku Takahashi☆ ー Theme for Scanty & Knee Socks
26 February 2013 @ 12:43 am
today has been particularly special and I wish I could have felt better to forever remember it.
It's been special for only one but HUGE reason:

Aiji. Tweeted. ME
Any good LM.C fan would know how I felt all day because of that. Except...

I felt so so so so bad. I don't know what happened. I was supposed to run errands but couldn't bring myself to do so. I wanted to go to my lecture but didn't. I didn't eat. I got a terrible stomach ache (caused by anxiety). I tried to talk to people on the tumblr advice blogs but the first one told me Jesus loved me and God cared and the second one freaked out and told me to absolutely go to a psychologist but in a very panicked way, like "omg i can't help you omg you're dealing with huge stuff omg that's a big deal omg go see someone" so I felt even worse...
Current Mood: nauseatednauseated
Current Music: Akeboshi - Yellow Moon | Powered by Last.fm